my life in greys

i love medical dramas...they're so dramatic. mostly i love the doctoring and medical aspect of them. the different diseases and cases that arise simply fascinate me. my personal favorite is grey's anatomy (when it's not raunchy , of course) i have been using my wild imagination again and wondering what i would be like as a character in greys. 

if i had to compare myself to a character, as in, 'whom am i most like?' i would say dr. lexie grey-or 'little grey'. she is beautiful, smart and a roller coaster of emotion-just like me. i only wish i had her photographic memory. dr. grey is in love with dr. sloan but she is afraid to tell him. yep, sums up my love life. she is also very emotionally involved in all her patients lives and frequently cries while operating-yes, that would be me. i think her character is solid. she is strong-willed, funny, kind and a good person. my favorite.

if i had to choose which doctor would be my best friend, i would say dr. arizona robbins. she is fabulous. the kind of person i would want to confide in. she is trustworthy. she is honest and will tell you how it is. i think most of my friends are like her. brilliant, gorgeous and hard-core. she's a pediatric surgeon and who doesn't like working with 'tiny humans?'

if i had to choose which doctor would be my guy best friend, i would say dr. alex karev. he is straightforward. he is not afraid to speak his mind, which sometimes gets him in trouble, and he is cold when first approached. but, deep down, dr. karev  has good intentions and really cares about people including the love of his life, dr. izzie stevens. he is an amazing doctor. truly amazing. and he's a pediatric surgeon-such a softy at heart.

if i had to choose which doctor would be my mentor i would pick dr. callie torres. first off, she is an ortho surgeon-i love bones-it would be my specialty. second off, she is hilarious. she is so sassy. awesome doctor and, again, sassy. she kicks ortho-surgery derriere. she is an awesome teacher, i mean she has the 'torres method.' she's awesome.

now which doctor would i be crushin? easy-peasy. dr. jackson avery. look at those eyes. he is smart. he is cute. he is a sweetheart. he is just really pretty. he is a good friend and a nice doctor. always good to his patients. yep. crushin.

 there you go. my life in greys. 

the girl I mean to be

somebody once told me that i didn't act my true self around them. they told me that i acted differently around different people. i thought about this for a long time and obviously i am still thinking about it. so, now whenever i am around anybody, i evaluate how i act. am i too quiet? too loud? boring? obnoxious? shy? i get all self conscious and wonder, "am i really being myself or am i putting on a show?" i can't help but wonder. what is the real me? or in the words of derek zoolander as he gazed into a puddle, "who am i?"  i most definitely want to be me. how can i be me if i don't know who me is?

maybe i'm putting too much though into this. (most likely, i put too much thought into just about everything.)

but still, i can't help but wonder. what kind of person am i? each person is defined by one of two things:
1. who they want to be
2. who they are comfortable being

there are people who act certain ways because they want to be that way. they want to be outgoing like sally-mae or opinionated like billy-joe so they act like those people. saying things they say, dressing like them, treating people like they treat people. these people i will call "imitators" (thanks profe skousen) is it wrong? i can't say. is it stupid? definitely. is it the sign of a coward? afraid to own up to one's self? yes.  i think i am like this a lot of time.

then there are the people who act certain ways because they are comfortable being that way. they are not impersonators. they are innovators not imitators. they can walk in their own shoes and not be jealous of other people's shoes. they know who they are and they act the same person all the time. because they know that being them works best.

so am i an innovator or an imitator? i want to be an innovator, but i think my friend was right. i don't act my true self all the time. i act like the person i think i should be. i try and walk in shoes that just don't fit when i should cinderella up and wear the dang glass slipper. own up to myself, my actions and my choices. accept my quirks and personality. that is the girl i really mean to be.

here are some quotes from one of my favorite authors, oscar wilde, on the matter. (if you haven't read picture of dorian gray, do it. it's great)

Secret Desire #2

The secret is out. You all know. I want to be a waitress. Okay, so it's not that weird of a desire, right? Right? Let me share my secret desire #2...brace yourself, this one is weird. For the past couple of years I have thought being a mail person would be most exciting. Just use your excuse for an imagination for one second and bear with me. Mail persons have a great job for these reasons: (in no specific order)

• They drive a cool truck-car-thing-with a sliding door. (notice how I turned the word "sliding" into a calligram-a word that is written in a way that creates a visual image.)
• They drive on the American passenger side and because I will probably never make it to England in this life, this is my chance to steer from that side of the car.
• Uniform. I have a great fascination with the workplace uniform and the uniform of mail people is most especially attractive.
• Delivering. Letters from officials, packages, bills, cards, love notes...everything goes through the mail. I love mail. I love holding it, opening it, sending it. I love opening the mailbox and see a stack of letters. It thrills me in the oddest way.
• Of course, the life of a mail person is not all bliss, but it could be. Going from house to house. Some by car, some by foot, some by bike. Placing carefully sealed surprises in cute shaped boxes. Getting to know random people and some dogs too. It sounds fabulous.

Would you ever want to be a mail person? Before you respond, please consider what I've said. You know, sleep on it...

my secret desire #1

I have this dream. And it's kinda weird. But it's my secret desire #1. For a while I've been thinking that it would be great to be a...waitress...I know, I'm crazy. But it sounds so fun. I think I might try it out. Just for the summer. I've always wanted to know if I could get lots of tips or phone numbers...would I make people laugh? Would I be able to carry the tray of hugeness? I don't know, but I am really tempted...stop me before it's too late.

Of course this dream usually comes with another dream: struggling actress/singer. Not thriving actress, struggling actress living in New York or Chicago. Waiting tables by night, practicing, auditioning and living in a tiny apartment by day. Sounds romantic doesn't it? It would be the LIFE. For a while, at least...until I got mugged or killed or kicked out of my apartment for not paying rent...but I'll still dream about it and who knows, maybe one day it will happen.

Movie Review

Here's a movie recommendation for you:

Forget Paris
starring: Billy Crystal & Debra Winger

This movie is  what I would call a comedy-heavy-romantic-comedy. Billy Crystal is a personal favorite of mine and he is at his FINEST in this 90's film. Witty, smart, charismatic and well...Billy.
The story is centered around Mickey and Ellen who go through tough times and compromise to be together.
Here is a synopsis from IMBD:
"Mickey Gordon is a basketball referee who travels to France to bury his father. Ellen Andrews is an American living in Paris who works for the airline he flies on. They meet and fall in love, but their relationship goes through many difficult patches. The story is told in flashback by their friends at a restaurant waiting for them to arrive."

 
It is hilarious and super cute too. It focuses on working through marital problems and keeping two unlikely lovers together. If you are looking for a good comedy-heavy-romantic-comedy, this one is HIGHly recommended.


*Word to the wise: I have seen this film edited. I cannot account for inappropriate content.

Bluebird

I heard this song and it spoke to me like you wouldn't believe. I'll post the lyrics because they are, well what I'm feeling...you should listen to it because it's awesome.

Bluebird
Sara Bareilles

Word came through in a letter,
One of us changing our minds.You won't need to guess whoSince I usually do not send letters to meThat are mine

I told him I saw this coming,That I'd practically packed up my things.I was glad at the time that I said I was fineBut all honesty knows, I wasn't ready, no

And so here we go bluebird,Back to the sky on your own.Oh, let him go bluebird,Ready to fly,You and I,Here we go.Here we go.

This pair of wings worn and rusted,From too many years by my side.They can carry me, swear to be,Sturdy and strong but see,Turning them on still means goodbye.

And so here we go bluebird,Gather your strength and rise up.Oh, let him go bluebirdOh, let him go bluebirdOh, let him go bluebirdReady to fly,You and I,Here we go.Here we go.Here we go...



It's hard to let go and move on. But I have to do it. It's hard to trust that the future is going to be okay. It's scary to fly again, but it's what must be done and IT WILL ALL BE WORTH IT IN THE END

Currently listening to...

Lessons Learned

School is coming to a close, but what have I learned this semester?

Math: how to solve my problems. Sometimes the solutions don't work, so I try a new equation, still doesn't work, give up? Not yet...

Science: Chemistry is not enough to keep relationships alive. Biology of people, we are so different and we have to accept those differences. Physics-what goes up, must come down? What are you going to do to make sure it has a soft landing???

History: Don't rehash the past. It's over, done, learn from it and move on. Yes, you make mistakes, but all you can try to do is fix them.

Language: People communicate differently. So don't assume things. Try and understand. Don't judge others because of the things they say. Listen to people. Learn their language.

Art: Life is like painting a lot of pictures. You paint one. You spend 6 months working on it and when it's finished you realize all the things you could have done differently. Maybe more pink and less gray...maybe circles instead of squares. So, you didn't create a masterpiece. But it's pretty good. Hang it up on the wall, and start a new one. Let that painting remind you of what you did wrong and what you can do better. Take a new canvas and try again.

English: Write a better blog...


Tests: Just because you got a 'C' doesn't make you a failure. It means you're not yet proficient in these subjects. The tests are just reminders that you need to keep working.

Lost

Yesterday I lost 2 people I love dearly.

One I lost by death. One I lost by choice. It might go down in history as the worst day of my life. At least I know that one of them I will see again someday.