the girl I mean to be

somebody once told me that i didn't act my true self around them. they told me that i acted differently around different people. i thought about this for a long time and obviously i am still thinking about it. so, now whenever i am around anybody, i evaluate how i act. am i too quiet? too loud? boring? obnoxious? shy? i get all self conscious and wonder, "am i really being myself or am i putting on a show?" i can't help but wonder. what is the real me? or in the words of derek zoolander as he gazed into a puddle, "who am i?"  i most definitely want to be me. how can i be me if i don't know who me is?

maybe i'm putting too much though into this. (most likely, i put too much thought into just about everything.)

but still, i can't help but wonder. what kind of person am i? each person is defined by one of two things:
1. who they want to be
2. who they are comfortable being

there are people who act certain ways because they want to be that way. they want to be outgoing like sally-mae or opinionated like billy-joe so they act like those people. saying things they say, dressing like them, treating people like they treat people. these people i will call "imitators" (thanks profe skousen) is it wrong? i can't say. is it stupid? definitely. is it the sign of a coward? afraid to own up to one's self? yes.  i think i am like this a lot of time.

then there are the people who act certain ways because they are comfortable being that way. they are not impersonators. they are innovators not imitators. they can walk in their own shoes and not be jealous of other people's shoes. they know who they are and they act the same person all the time. because they know that being them works best.

so am i an innovator or an imitator? i want to be an innovator, but i think my friend was right. i don't act my true self all the time. i act like the person i think i should be. i try and walk in shoes that just don't fit when i should cinderella up and wear the dang glass slipper. own up to myself, my actions and my choices. accept my quirks and personality. that is the girl i really mean to be.

here are some quotes from one of my favorite authors, oscar wilde, on the matter. (if you haven't read picture of dorian gray, do it. it's great)