Can I change? Do I actually have the ability to change? I wonder. I wonder if I have the power to make my life better. The hole I have dug is deep and scary. The hole I live in has become comfortable. I do not think I am worthy to change. I have made so many mistakes, but can I make it? Am I deserving of happiness NOW? I wonder. Can I make amends with the people I have hurt? Can I show them that I am not happy with my choices? Am I deserving of help from anyone including my Heavenly Father? I wonder. I wonder if I will be able to have a good relationship with the people I love the most. I wonder if I can become someone that deserves love.
I hope. I hope that I can change and make myself a better person. I hope that I will learn from my stupidity. I hope that change is possible. I hope that I can have good relationships in my life. Happiness in life is entirely a matter of choice. I have made the choice, can I make the change? I hope.
I am terrified. I am scared of making more wrong decisions. I am scared that I will end up alone.
I am sorry. I am sorry to those that I hurt. I am sorry for making your life a living heck. I am sorry you have to witness my life. I am sorry I am prideful.
I am humbled. I am empty inside feeling sick for the choices I have made.
I am lost. I am walking alone because I have pushed away everyone who would have put up with my attitude.
I am changing. Because when I think of you, my person, the only person I have, I start to cry. I am changing because I don't think I can live with myself. I am changing because I am tired of me.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Friday, October 08, 2010
Thursday, October 07, 2010
The Truth about Me, Lucky Day
The sad truth is...I am imperfect. I am a being that makes mistakes everyday. No matter the effort, perfection is out of the question. I live in a hole. Physically and metaphorically. My hole is small and cramped. With all of my problems and mistakes, I am usually alone in my hole. Once in a while I make room for another person. I allow someone to be close to me. To be my good friend and "person" to turn to. Perhaps I even allow a romantic relationship to evolve. Sometimes there is room enough for 2. BUT more often than not, I do not make extra space for someone. My heart is a closed vault with cement and lasers guarding it. My pride is its defense, standing guard at all times ready to fight off any chance of an intruder. I am alone. Sometimes, I do not choose to be alone...no one really wants to be alone no matter their defensive pride. Sometimes, I am alone because I am comfortable alone. I do not want to break through the barrier. I fear that I am incapable of having people to be with. I have friends that I can chat casually with and friends that I can sit with in my classes, but I do not have friends to share my secrets with or be myself with. I fear that loneliness is in my future forever. No matter how hard I try to step outside my bubble, I remain enclosed and far off from people. I don't understand. I don't understand why I am going to a great university with great people and I can only manage distant friends. I hate being alone. I don't have room for 2. I don't have anybody.
Monday, October 04, 2010
Recently...
I have been feeling very happy lately and that is probably due to the fact that I am BACK IN SCHOOL! It is a fabulous feeling to be hitting the books and studying all night and reading books and taking tests...I could go on, but I will stop. I am taking PD Bio 220 which = ANATOMY! I have the incredible opportunity to work on cadavers (which I treat with the utmost respect, by the way). Cadavers are so fascinating, but they have a terrible smell which sometimes get to me when I have not eaten. I have an obsession with the human body and find it very useful that I am my own personal cheat sheet in the testing center...so good.
My garden was in full bloom and I harvested the delectable veggies. Sadly I am almost out of onions, which is weird because I never thought I liked onions. Tomatoes are growing on me, but never beets. I HATE beets. It was a fun process and now I am back in my hole...although the one I live in now is QUITE a bit bigger than my Hawaiian hole.
SPEAKING of Hawaii...I miss it...a lot. I miss the sand and the beach and the humidity and the small-ness and the palm trees and the people. I love Hawaii so much and it is truly Heaven on Earth. Hawaii was a wonderful experience that will forever hold a dear place in my heart. As for now, I must move on and accept the mainland as it is.And it is wonderful.
I have been thinking a lot lately....actually I think all the time, but now I am voicing my thoughts.
FIRST: I think it would be extremely romantic to marry a soldier. Gotta love a man in uniform. I have been day dreaming about seeing my make-believe soldier after he returns from months over seas. It was so romantic, but I don't think I could ever REALLY marry a soldier. I do not like to be alone.
SECOND:I am soooooooo excited for HALLOWEEN. It is a fabulous holiday that should be celebrated to it's fullest. I am going to decorate my apartment and get a costume and watch scary movies and have a party. What could be better?
THIRD: I know what could be better than Halloween...THANKSGIVING! I am obsessed with Thanksgiving. Maybe because we get to give thanks and eat around a giant table...but maybe because we just get to eat lots of good food. I have been researching recipes for the past month and I will share those recipes as soon as I narrow down the list. It is like Santa's list...but nothing on my list is bad, maybe fattening, but NEVER bad.
Because I mentioned Santa, I had better mention my preparations for CHRISTMAS! I have been singing and listening to Christmas songs for the past month as well. It is sooooooooooooo exciting I can hardly contain myself. But I cannot be too excited.
Everything outside is beautiful, the trees, the buildings and the sidewalks. I love this season, but I could never get married during the fall. I would be forced to choose either a gross orange color for bridesmaid, a boring brown or a red...and I do NOT look good with red anywhere near my body.
My garden was in full bloom and I harvested the delectable veggies. Sadly I am almost out of onions, which is weird because I never thought I liked onions. Tomatoes are growing on me, but never beets. I HATE beets. It was a fun process and now I am back in my hole...although the one I live in now is QUITE a bit bigger than my Hawaiian hole.
SPEAKING of Hawaii...I miss it...a lot. I miss the sand and the beach and the humidity and the small-ness and the palm trees and the people. I love Hawaii so much and it is truly Heaven on Earth. Hawaii was a wonderful experience that will forever hold a dear place in my heart. As for now, I must move on and accept the mainland as it is.And it is wonderful.
I have been thinking a lot lately....actually I think all the time, but now I am voicing my thoughts.
FIRST: I think it would be extremely romantic to marry a soldier. Gotta love a man in uniform. I have been day dreaming about seeing my make-believe soldier after he returns from months over seas. It was so romantic, but I don't think I could ever REALLY marry a soldier. I do not like to be alone.
SECOND:I am soooooooo excited for HALLOWEEN. It is a fabulous holiday that should be celebrated to it's fullest. I am going to decorate my apartment and get a costume and watch scary movies and have a party. What could be better?
THIRD: I know what could be better than Halloween...THANKSGIVING! I am obsessed with Thanksgiving. Maybe because we get to give thanks and eat around a giant table...but maybe because we just get to eat lots of good food. I have been researching recipes for the past month and I will share those recipes as soon as I narrow down the list. It is like Santa's list...but nothing on my list is bad, maybe fattening, but NEVER bad.
Because I mentioned Santa, I had better mention my preparations for CHRISTMAS! I have been singing and listening to Christmas songs for the past month as well. It is sooooooooooooo exciting I can hardly contain myself. But I cannot be too excited.
Everything outside is beautiful, the trees, the buildings and the sidewalks. I love this season, but I could never get married during the fall. I would be forced to choose either a gross orange color for bridesmaid, a boring brown or a red...and I do NOT look good with red anywhere near my body.
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